I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize