No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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