Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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