I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
there's paper in my vomit.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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