Four minutes until I can fart!
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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