i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Randomize
