Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
