Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Randomize
