Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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