I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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