I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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