Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
