guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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