She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
