they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
