this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
