my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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