she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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