So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
