listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
