first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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