Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
