On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
