I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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