i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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