I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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