Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
