census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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