Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
