the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
