Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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