I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
no you cant smoke seaweed
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
