whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
