he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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