I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
