Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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