If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
