God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
