Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
