My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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