Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
