i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
The uberlube is also flammable
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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