Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
