can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
