You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
