I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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