The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
