just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
