Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
