I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
