I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
