I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
