Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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