there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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