The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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