dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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