this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
zippers are such a cool invention
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
