so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
