She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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